Something Vague

What happened to life?

Sun, 16 Jan 2005 05:01:41 GMT

I had a dream that I killed some people that were my friends but who I hate now. I was so disappointed when I woke up. I thought to myself, 'Damn, that means they're still out there.'

Oh well.

So now I'm listening to Andrew WK to help make myself feel okay again.

On an unrelated, non-murderous note, I got some play the other night. It was hot. And completely mutually for fun. Which was the best part of it all. Maybe now I can forget about T even though I'm going to visit him in about a month or so... Why do I do these things to myself?

I'm going to go drink beer now.

Wed, 12 Jan 2005 04:36:57 GMT

I'm crying right now because I don't know what else to do.

I'm pathetic. I hate myself. I hate my body. I hate so so so much everything that even reminds me of myself. I want to leave this body.

Why the fuck did the doctors feed me steroids as a child? To save me from asthma? More like some evil plot to shut off my metabolism and make me disgusting in appearance. To screw with the balances in my body.

I cannot be comfortable with myself so how do I ever expect to be that way with anyone else?

I met a person last summer that may not have been perfect, but was the closest thing to being so that I've ever encountered in another human being. Even his flaws were beautiful to me.

And now I am alone.

I will always be alone.

I'm going to go get drunk now.

I wish I had some sedatives...

This is the way it is.

Tue, 04 Jan 2005 01:36:43 GMT

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

I am now stronger.

Dear World: I will still win.

Done.

And so ends my world.

Mon, 03 Jan 2005 19:35:39 GMT

So let's recap 2005 so far.

I've discovered that some people who I thought were really good friends, brothers even, are not worth my time. They're evil and I never want to see them again.

I'm a burden on my parents, financially and emotionally, and am being completely cut off on both accounts.

I will have to drop out of university in order to get a job so I can live. This also probably means staying in this horrid city where I hate nearly everything and everyone.

So in other words, my entire life, in the span of two days, has fallen apart in front of me.

If I wasn't such a pussy, I would shoot myself. I guess I'd need a gun for that too... Cutting one's wrists is just too dramatic for me. But I live in a big city. Maybe I'll go find myself a building.

Mon, 03 Jan 2005 07:51:31 GMT

"Some day (one day) you'll miss me.
Mundane Sundays, when I'm gone.
One day (some day) you'll miss me.
One day when I'm gone (adieu and so long)
One day when I'm gone!"

'C-C-C-Cinnamon Lips' by Ok Go

It's good to know when to let go.

Sun, 02 Jan 2005 23:56:28 GMT

I didn't get alcohol poisoning. Though I did get betrayed and humiliated by people I thought were friends. A few less letters to write in the future I guess. At least I'll save on postage... Besides, I've known some of them for as long as eight or nine years. It was time to revamp the invite list.

I feel like I'm going to be sick and the only thing that would cure that, I believe, is hitting any number of people. With a car. And then, once they're crippled and lying on the ground, taking random things out of the trunk, like a tire jack, and repeatedly hitting them in the head with it. Over and over and over.

And so no one worries 'any number of people' in paragraph two refer to those so-called friends in paragraph one.

I was also thinking about giving up drinking since I appear to be an alcoholic. However, that will never happen. I just won't drink today. Well, not more than I have. And that was only one beer.

I'm going to go punch holes in a wall now. Hopefully my knuckles start bleeding.

Happy New Year's.

Sat, 01 Jan 2005 23:01:50 GMT

I drank a lot of alcohol last night.

I wish I would've done the cocaine that was offerred to me. I've never done it before. It would have been fun. I didn't though because I was afraid of getting a nose bleed.

Tonight I'm going out and I'm going to try and get alcohol poisoning from drinking too much.

Fuck.

Thu, 30 Dec 2004 16:19:24 GMT

My last sexual encounter has left me disgusted and jaded.

I don't know if I want to be gay anymore. I replay scenes in my head and am not too impressed with myself or the event.

I need to meet a nice boy. But not right now. Because I'm leaving in a couple of weeks and won't be back for seven months or so.

Maybe I'll go out tomorrow night with my incredibly heterosexual male friends and find some girl. That would definitely shock them all.

Absurd.

Wed, 29 Dec 2004 09:11:28 GMT

I don't know why but I decided it was a good idea to meet someone for casual sex tonight. It went poorly, as I figured it would. Not for any specific reason other than he is not a good sex partner. He kisses badly and gives bad head. I feel so dirty now.

And I sucked my first dick in... oh... four years or so? It was unpleasant.

Maybe I'll be straight for a while and date women.

Kill.

Wed, 29 Dec 2004 03:54:32 GMT

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to kill?

I have.

I could never do it though. I'm too soft. Too sensitive. I care for life too much. Sometimes I feel guilty when I kill ants in the summer months...

But it's still intriguing.

Maybe that's why serial killers are sexy?

To Him.

Sun, 26 Dec 2004 04:45:50 GMT

I met you. I fell in love with you. I wanted you. I had to have you. You taunted me with everything you were. Brilliance and beauty. I fell so hard for you I broke my spine.

I chased you across a continent. I spent money I was supposed to live on for an entire month just to see you again. You dumped your girlfriend right before I got there. We chatted deep into the night. We talked about that time you showed up at my room unexpected and slept in my bed.

You kissed me! God damn it you kissed me!

Why did you kiss me?

Why did you make me think it was a good idea to knock and try and kiss you again? Why did you let me kiss you again? And again? And then in the end tell me you didn't know what you wanted? Why did we act like nothing happened the next day?

Most importantly: Why do I even still care? Why do you have this power over me? Why can't I get over you? Why am I that pathetic? I would, in a second, do anything for you. Even now. Even after all that's happened. It's sad. I'm a pathetic person for it. If I could make it all go away I would. In a second.

But I can't.

I live with this and you have NO idea.

FUCK YOU. Fuck you for having no idea.

How can you control me like this?

What is wrong with me?

I don't want to feel anymore...

...and now I drink alcohol. I drink and drink and drink.

Merry fucking Christmas.

Welcome.

Sun, 26 Dec 2004 04:37:49 GMT

Greetings.

This is my journal where I hide and post everything publicly. I will never reveal my true identity in it and could care less if anyone every friends me or reads it. I just feel that I can no longer post the brutal honesty that is my state of mind in my regular journal. And so I hide here in the open.

I need to write it out.

I need to get it out.

It needs to be out there.

Thank you.